February 03, 2011

It Sucks to be Me (sometimes)
I am feeling the need to complain. In the last 3 weeks I have been plagued with diarrhea that knocked me down for a couple of days, a few days of feeling good then a fever and headache, then a gnarly chest cold. So far, I have not had to go to the hospital to recover, which is good news. It seems that about half of the ailments that come my way require a trip to the big house to help with fluids and antibiotics or whatever... I am complaining because on top of my every day fatigue and persistent neuropathy and a fried memory and cognitive abilities, I have a weakend immunity that is an almost constant drag.
It seems to be the theme of my life, getting used to the post cancer me. My memory is so bad that I cant remember how many silly things that I have forgot in the last week. How many appointments I have shown up for a week early or a week late. I am trying to strike a balance between frustration and just being OK with what I have become. The frustration leads to action towards improving myself. At the same time I don't want to get into a cycle of self loathing. It is a balance.
I am the luckiest guy I know. I have been given a second chance to live my life. To be with my family. To explore the world and go on new adventures. I am really happy to be here. Part of the adventure is figuring out who I am all over again.