January 28, 2012


All right sitting at the computer writing.  The problem is not having nothing to write about but rather too much and not enough time and energy.  The dexamethazone that I have been taking on the weekends as part of my therapy jacks me up and fills my mind with so many thoughts:  It makes me manic and fills my mind with "shoulds."  ChichkenHawk and I refer to that as "shoulding on yourself."  Just like another SH word. 
Things I "should" do:  Start a business, start a non profit,  learn to play the guitar better, workout, plan another big adventure, more yoga, photography, enlarge my garden, write more, more housework, blah blahy blah, the list goes on and I get sick of it.  I spend a couple of caffeine fueled hours every morning banging around the house before I fatigue hits and I have a 15 minute warning before narcolepsy sets in.  Then I am out from 15 minutes to 3 hours.  People say, "oh how nice I wish I could take a nap like that every day."  Yeah well, I wish I had the choice to knock off more of those shoulds.  I do try to practice acceptance but this is one of the big challenges for me.  As a cancer patient in treatment and a dad who contributes to his family there is a lot of "have" to do items.  Don't get me wrong, I am really happy with my new treatment regime, it is the best chemo I have ever taken, I am able to function really well.  I take the kids to school every morning and have some time to myself before I spend the afternoons with them.  Next week ChickenHawk starts full time work that will take her through early June.  I'll be more "on" than before and I am sure I am going to be challenged by that.  I am worried about all the effort that it takes to raise the kids while also taking the time I need to be fatigued.  In there will be the shoulds driving me nuts.  Build a chicken coop, make chile verde, do more painting, make foam boaters for my friends. Enough to drive me nuts. 


  1. maybe focus on the chicken coop and go from there:) Thinking about you everyday Spencer.

  2. I've got some great material for shoulding, it's guaranteed to dissolve those wippersnappering thoughts, easy peasy. I'll bring my stash of an alchemy kit this weekend....