October 26, 2011


Okay, this is my attempt to write myself out of the hole that I am residing in.  I am stuck in my post weekend steroid low.  I slept most of the day yesterday as well as both previous nights.  I feel like rip van winkle.  Fatigue is not being able to walk by a chair or a bed without sitting or lying down.  Once down it could be hours until I get up again.  For now I am sitting behind my new 23" computer monitor taping away on my new wireless keyboard.  Ergonomics.  The lap top has been killing me. 
Yesterday I had a couple of visitors.  Denny came by to do Yoga but I was asleep.  Monte came by to talk tent trailer (more about that later) and Kay brought a beautiful dinner that we'll eat tonight.  Bill and KT came to make dinner.  It was great to wake up with them and hang out.  Tim came and did homework with Dana while the CH got to make her famous pumpkin rolls. 
As for what happened during the day.... I am not sure.
This is the place that is hardest for me.  It is just totally frustrating to want to do but not be able.  It is a constant theme in my process.  I am re-learning when to push myself and when to go easy.  When to go for a walk and when to just lie on the couch.  When the pains in my legs are related to chemo and a sign of danger and when I just need to do yoga.  Should I work on the business of my family that feels so important and imperative and when should I just sit on the patio and watch the leaves fall. The lessons that I learned as a road biker in how to suffer with grace serve me well when there is no question that it is time to suffer.  It is the times when I feel borderline that I do not trust myself to make good decisions about how hard to push. 
Alright. feeling a bit better.  Writing helps.

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